It’s true what they say. The second pregnancy goes by so much faster than the first. To be honest, I’ve had mix feelings about this pregnancy. I am so focused on Bowie and loving his current silly stage, that I sometimes just forget I’m pregnant. It’s not until I bump into my bump or until the past couple of weeks, started to feel tiny kicks when I settle at night, that I think, “you’re pregnant, remember?” Because who has time to be pregnant when you have a toddler?
That’s not to say I’m not excited. I am so excited to meet this little babe and cried during our last ultrasound as I saw it bouncing around and resting in the exact same sleeping position that Bowie does, belly down, booty up. The second pregnancy is just different. I’m not as focused on this pregnancy. I’m not checking it’s fruit status every week (something I looked forward to every week), nor am I documenting my bump weekly, something else I loved to do with Bowie. I have no idea what week I am in most weeks. I’ve also had wine, the alcohol kind and sushi, the raw kind.
If I’m being really honest with you, selfishly, I’m not ready to think about this pregnancy yet because in a way I feel like it pulls me away from Bowie. It reminds me that in a few short months, it will not just be him anymore. I will have to share myself, he will have to share his mama, and gone are the days filled with our favorite things. Will we still have day dates, go exploring to new parks, have lazy mornings? I know his every word, every facial expression, what scares him, and can predict our day the second I open his nursery door. We fit together like puzzle pieces and it hurts me to think our relationship will change.
So then the guilt settles in. Is this fair to our new babe? Will he or she resent me when they read this and think I didn’t care? Am I a bad mother for feeling this way? Am I the only mother to ever feel this way? So many thoughts that I can’t explain or even come to terms with right now.
So for now, in order to have some order in my life for at least for the next few months while I navigate being a mama to Bowie and a mama to this papaya (I just checked the fruit status), I need a plan. A plan that supports them both and that supports a little self-care and self-forgiveness for me.
- Self-Care. Typically when I start to feel guilty or sad, it stems from not taking care of myself first. A quick check-in reminds me that I have stopped exercising consistently, stopped meal planning and started indulging a little too much while staying at my parents. Did I mention we are in the middle of a full home remodel? I feel better when I work out, eat well and hydrate. Simple things that make a huge difference for my mental health.
- Do all the things with Bowie. That includes visiting a strawberry farm, going to the zoo, exploring the light rail, baseball games with daddy, ice cream cones and photo booth pics at Amy’s Ice Cream, and riding the double decker tourism bus. Put my phone away and read an extra book post bath, sing an extra song at bedtime, and finally get around to finishing his baby book.
- Spend some qt with the Papaya baby. Note the kicks, start the baby book, play him some music, indulge in some prenatal massages, and figure out the special touches that will make his guest room/nursery feel special.
- Take a babymoon with the husband. Because we deserve it and mama needs a tan.
- Document this bump, even if just for me and the babe. Not every photo needs to be insta-worthy. They are each a moment frozen in time as this teeny life grows so quickly each day. Each photo a reminder that similar to my pregnancy with Bowie and the feelings of anxiety and doubt I had about becoming a mother for the first time, are normal. And just as Bowie was the perfect addition to our family, we will all grow with this new baby and become the family we were meant to be.